It is with some trepidation that I make this post…

The Lord told me this morning that He wanted me to write on pride – I kind of knew yesterday afternoon or evening also that this would be my next post…

Pride has been a real issue for me…

It really has…

The Lord seems to have spent the majority of my life so far knocking me around to try and get rid of this in me…

I’m sorry Lord…

He really has knocked me around quite severely but looking back on it I’m not sad about that…

I’m glad…

I know that that means that He actually loves me…

He’s not letting me get away with it…

Perfectionism – yesterday’s topic – which has really set me free – that whole focus thing – I’d written about that before – but it always seemed to come back – focusing on being perfect – I really did have a perfectionism problem when I was younger – hugely introspective – and it did drive me into a severe depression experience back when I was around 23, nearly 24 years old – wow that’s so long ago now – but its still real in my mind as I remember it…

Introspection is an empty street…

It’s so unfulfilling…

It lies to you that if only you investigate yourself again you’ll break through into some nirvana of happiness – but it lies to you…

I remember the day when the Lord told me if I introspected myself again – I can remember exactly where I was at Varsity also – amazing – that I’d be grieving the Holy Spirit – it wasn’t words He spoke – He spoke to my mind – but that’s what He was saying – and I knew I would be in big trouble…

But I did it anyway – pride…

Then I got the verse from Him, “Simon, Simon, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat” – I got this on a run or walk I think it was later (don’t believe it was the same day – it was later – I’m pretty sure)…

Soon after that I fell into a deep depression – I couldn’t believe anymore and I didn’t know the absolute truth of things – until then I’d had absolute faith and knew absolute truth – then I couldn’t believe it  – it was like it was blocked…

My pride blocked it…

My pride allowed the devil to torment me – God opposes the proud…

Those three months of darkness where I thought I’d lost my salvation and could never be saved again – were the worst and most tormenting three months of my life – I was in a dark tunnel and there was no light at the end of it…

Yet the Lord held me…

And on my 24th birthday pulled me through as I gave up completely and said, “Oh well, if I go to hell, I go to hell”…

At that moment my faith returned…

It was like Nebuchadnezzar – I was reduced to anti-depressants and even went to sleep in my parents bed one night – I was that tormented by demonic entities – even remembering it hurts…

Anyway – I saw in that experience that the Lord loved me and even though the issue which caused the perfectionistic spiral down into insanity was not dealt with I knew that the Lord had it covered – knew all about it – loved me regardless and would deal with it – and He has been – He has been – He still is…

So the pursuit of excellence or perfection is a vain pursuit – it is a pursuit governed by pride..

When the Lord showed me yesterday that I would never be perfect in this life I was at the same time quite depressed and also incredibly relieved – as I write today I’m feeling more and more relieved and am understanding the Apostle Paul a lot more than I did (practically) yesterday before that revelation came…

Not that I am perfect or that I have already attained but I press on…

I get it now…

I’ve said I get it before but I get it now – but in a few years I’ll probably get it more than I get it now (I’m smiling to myself)…

It is a vain pursuit…

The pursuit of God on the other hand is not a vain pursuit and when you take out of the equation – I’ve known this before I’m just remembering – the whole sin issue then you’re freed up to just focus on Him – every “God encounter” is a good one and a blessing to you…

Wow, I’m feeling free…

I don’t know that I’ve ever written this freely…

Truly our Lord is a strange Lord, i.e. He does things in a strange way – but thinking about it – it really is perfect…

Lucifer was in heaven, leading the angels in worship – that’s what I’m getting – and being incredibly holy – like he was perfect – it even says so in scripture – perfect in beauty – it was said of him – and then last night as I got home and was cooking dinner I saw – as I was thinking about what the Lord had showed me earlier – that one day he started looking at himself, “Oh, I am perfect aren’t I?” and pride was birthed in his heart, “I am just as good as God aren’t I?” (I’m just getting that now), “Oh wow, I really am” – God hadn’t – in His generosity –  held anything back from Lucifer – that’s the kind of God He is – He doesn’t hold anything back – He’s so generous – and Lucifer looked at himself – and kept looking at himself and stopped looking at his Creator – who was truly the Perfection of Beauty and not just the perfection of beauty which he (Lucifer) had been created in the image of…

And so he fell – he fell in his introspection – his looking at himself…

And this is what perfectionism is – looking at yourself and thinking in the knowledge of your own perfection that you will find fulfilment – well you don’t – I know this from first hand experience…

God opposes the proud…

That’s why the Lord has levelled the playing field with the new creation – everyone gets born again perfect and they can’t lose it…

They stay perfect forever – according to scripture – and they do – in their new creation…

They can’t lose it…

So perfectionism dies…

Yes sure, the Holy Spirit works on us – removing sin which dwells within me – from us so we can get a better view – like clearing away the debris or the vines which grew up around Sleeping Beauty – He uses His Sword too like the prince that came looking for her – anyway – sin which dwells within me is cut away to clear the view which has been obscured so we can see Jesus – who is the Way, the Truth and the Life – He is shining brightly – more brightly than Lucifer shone (the son of the morning) – he (Lucifer) was the highest archangel in heaven – I’m just getting that now – I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the first thing God ever created (I think I’m right about that)…

And yet he fell…

This is what the Lord told me yesterday, He told me that if I was perfect on earth it would make me too proud…

It’s a protection not to made perfect on earth…

I now understand what Paul went through with his thorn in the flesh – he begged the Lord to remove it – but to stop him (Paul) from exalting himself (because of his great revelations) the Lord gave him this thorn in the flesh – this messenger of  Satan – to buffet him – and he (Paul) rather gloried in his infirmities that the Grace of God would be even more powerful through him…

I’ve always been scared about touring around the world preaching to people – which is what the Lord’s indicated that I’ll do one day – and someone being able to come up to me in the crowd and nail me on some secret sin or hidden weakness and me feeling really embarrassed – I have – I’ve had that fear – I’ve had that fear of not being ready when the Lord calls me to do that – I have – I’m coming clean…

But I saw yesterday as He showed me what He showed me – that that revelation is the freedom I’ve needed to just go out and do what He is wanting me to do – when He calls me to do it – not before – not after – but when He calls me to do it – not resisting Him but trusting His Grace in all things…

He will give me the words to say – to magnify His Grace in any area where I am lacking if someone (Jezebel) nails me on something which He hasn’t yet dealt with in my life – for I am in His Hands – I can’t be any more holy than He makes me (practically) and I’m justified by His Blood – I am not under condemnation – and I am not magnifying myself but His Gospel – His Gospel is free – and it really is Good News – if we all magnify His Grace together and get our eyes off each other then we’ll all be free in the Lord – I’m not going to be standing before anyone on the basis of any righteousness of my own but only because He’s told me to be there…

That’s it…

If you shoot the messenger and try to destroy their authority by finding some weakness in their lives then you are very welcome to do this – this is what the enemy does…

He condemns the brethren…

I see this very clearly now…

I don’t want to do this to anyone else – he who shows mercy will be shown mercy – this is what I want from the Lord – mercy…

But I see that there will be those – and already have been those – who have done this to me…

The enemy has used them…

I may never be qualified by my own practical righteousness to stand before anyone and tell them what I know of Christ but I am qualified under His Blood and in His authority to do this if He tells me to – and that’s it – if He tells me to – for in His timing His anointing is there on the imperfect messenger to accomplish His purpose – David fulfilled God’s purpose in his generation – scripture tells us this – he wasn’t perfect but he fulfilled God’s purpose for his generation – and so we see that God uses imperfect people to do His work…

Abraham was imperfect…

Elijah was imperfect…

David was imperfect…

I am imperfect…

We parents are told in scripture not to exasperate our children lest they become discouraged…

I’ve seen this first hand…

I know that I could crush my son by saying something about him which I’ve observed and which is true but I feel the Lord telling me not to as He hasn’t dealt with that issue in my son yet…

You see the Kindness of the Lord?

I do…

He holds back His knowledge – He knows that those things – if brought up at the wrong time – would crush us – but the Jezebel spirit is happy to pretend to be the Holy Spirit – to be our conscience for us – but this is not the Holy Spirit – I’ve had those experiences – people – even people who are close to me – pointing out my faults but there is no anointing in it – no power to change and so I’ve learnt that that is not the Holy Spirit – when He comes He is gentle and He enables me to change – the Power to change comes with Him – He truly is the Spirit of Liberty – he who the Son sets free is free indeed…

Free from a focus on sin, free from a focus on self – free from a focus on others performance – free to look into the Face of God…

God gave me Psalm 84:9 last week and then again earlier this week…

Behold our shield, O God, And look upon the face of Your anointed. (Psalm 84:9 NASB)

This is where I want to live – with Him looking at me – I am His anointed in the sense that His Holy Spirit is in me – and in you – and in everyone else who knows Him – He is enough – His Face looking on us is enough…

Thank You Jesus…

Amen…