I torment myself about what I don’t know…

I really do, there are some subjects which just go round and round in my mind and I find myself talking to the Lord about them over and over again…

Whenever I head out on my runs (which is six days per week) and I have that freedom to actually think without having anything else to do (starting your own business is really full on), I find my mind gravitating back to these topics, really just one topic with other options branching out from it and I just can’t seem to get it off my mind…

I ask the Lord about it and He answers me but then when I get back from my run what He says (or what I believe He has said) just doesn’t stick and I don’t know again what’s going on and then I seem to repeat this cycle over and over and over again every day…

It’s like Groundhog Day for me every day to the point where I actually dread going on my runs now because the same process will happen again and again and again…

When I talk to the Lord and ask Him to speak to me (which is all the time for me, I want Him to speak directly to me) I ask Him for three things, faith, absolute assurance, and peace…

I say to the Lord, “If You give me faith, absolute assurance and peace then I’ll believe anything You tell me”…

It seems during the runs that He gives me faith as I find myself believing and surrendering to what He is telling me (which is all according to His word, by the way, He never tells me anything contrary to His word) but then when I get home and by the time I’m hopping into the shower it’s gone and I’ve never had that assurance (that absolute knowing), the peace is gone too…

On the runs I feel good, I have no doubts, no nagging suspicions, I know what He has told me is true (or at least there is nothing saying it isn’t) but it just doesn’t stick…

While I was in Manila I had an experience where He told me something was going to happen and again I asked Him for those three things and He gave me that and even though there was doubt I had it and it was a miracle that He’d told me but it happened just like He’d said it would – He held me in that instance…

But in this present instance, it doesn’t seem like He’s holding me, it comes and then it goes…

And then we repeat the cycle over and over and over again (it’s actually getting boring now)..

Of late I’ve been telling the Lord, “Please don’t speak to me anymore unless You’re going to give me those three things”, cos it’s just torture for me to be given and then have it snatched away…

I’ll be heading off on my long hill run in less than an hour and I’m not sure where my mind is going to go or what He will tell me but the other night or morning as I was getting ready for bed (I’ve been working nights quite a bit and just sleep whenever I can) I felt He told me something, just whispered it to me, which really made sense out of what I’ve been going through…

If you don’t know something it doesn’t matter…

If He really wanted me to know what He was telling me then He’d give me that absolute assurance, faith, and peace that I’m pleading for Him to give me, He’d keep me even all through the day and night and I wouldn’t need to keep coming back begging for more information…

If He really wanted me to know and if I really needed to know then He’d tell me but if I’m just begging because there’s something in me that can’t handle the unknown of that issue ‘dangling’ and not being ‘concluded’ or ‘finalized’ or ‘closed out’ then that’s on me and maybe that’s why I can’t make what He tells me to stick…

I realise that I can’t make what He tells me to stick anyway, faith is a gift from God and so is the full assurance of faith and so is His peace – all these things are from God – perhaps He has let this happen to me to show me that there’s an anxiety or an untrust in me of Him looking after me and being enough, perhaps that’s what He’s trying to surface in me, perhaps…

I’ll head off on this run and see what happens… 🙂

Love You, Lord…

“I love you Andrew and I will never leave you nor forsake you”…

“Everything which you go through is for My Glory”…

“I will glorify you in your time”…

“It is for My Glory that you are humble and contrite of heart – that you are open about your faults and shortcomings”…

“I receive glory in your admitting of your inabilities and ‘unableness’ to do what I put in front of you”…

“Never fear, all will become clear – whatever you have to go through in your journey – all your unknowns – all your lonely valleys – all these things are for your glory and Mine and they will all bring You closer to Me for I have walked through all those valleys alone before, My Son has been there – He has experienced everything which you are going through – nothing is new in this my son, nothing is new – you are following a path to Me – closer and closer and closer you are coming to Me – I am drawing you closer and closer and closer to My heart – and you will need none other, none other but Me – in this place which I create for you there will be fellowship with Me and none other – the secret place of My Presence is open to you and none other with you at this point in time – come, come close to Me – as close as you desire to come and I will meet you there”…

“Love you”…

Jesus…